“Were we even on the same date?”
I’ve heard this more times than I can count when people feel frustrated that their date didn’t ask them many questions . . . or in some cases, any questions at all.
In today’s video, I talk about how to tell the difference between someone who’s self-absorbed vs. someone who is just oblivious but really is interested in learning more about you. I also give you two sample scripts you can use when you want to bring up the issue in a high-value and low-pressure way.
FEMALE VOICE
No, because I actually did this and after the first date, and left me feeling like, I’m not even sure if this guy is into me because—
MATTHEW HUSSEY
Today, we are going to talk about the phenomenon of people not asking questions on dates, how frustrating it is, why does it happen, and what can you do about it.
I am Matthew Hussey. If you are new to this channel, I’m the author of the brand-new book, Love Life, a New York Times bestseller. I’m also someone who’s coached people for 17 years of my life in relational intelligence and confidence and have helped people find love for a very long time. Welcome to the channel. Don’t forget to like this video, subscribe to this channel, and hit the notification bell, so that the next time I release a video, you get notified.
Today, I’m watching a TikTok video about someone who was very frustrated with the lack of curiosity, shall we say, from the guy that she was on a date with. Let’s watch and see what she had to say.
FEMALE VOICE
If you’re going on a first date with a guy, sit, listen, and ask some questions—
FEMALE VOICE
No, because I actually did this and after the first date, and left me feeling like, I’m not even sure if this guy is into me because he didn’t ask me any single question on the first date.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
Have any of you experienced this? Is this something that has been a frustration for you in the past? Someone literally sitting across from you, you feeling like you’re doing a great job of being a dinner partner and asking questions and being curious about this person in front of you because ultimately, that’s what a date is, isn’t it? It’s two people who are trying to get to know each other enough to know whether they want to do it again.
FEMALE VOICE
But I did agree to go on a second date and my best friend, Sophia—
MATTHEW HUSSEY
I always think it’s funny when people say that, stuff like that. “It was horrible. I did, obviously, agree to go on a second date and this is what happened on the second date.”
FEMALE VOICE
—this guy is into me because he didn’t ask me any single question on the first date. But I did agree to go on a second date and my best friend, Sophia, told me that any time that there’s silence, I need to learn to shut the F up and take a sip of my water and let him fill the silence and ask me questions. And then we—
MATTHEW HUSSEY
That actually is not bad advice. The idea that we, ourselves, might be talking too much to really create the space for someone to feel like there’s a part for them to play. When we are in the position of feeling like, if we don’t talk, the other person is not going to do all of the work for us. We’re more likely to step into that position of asking some questions.
If you relate at all to being a people pleaser, to fawning as a behavior, to feeling like you feel awkward easily, then you may have a tendency towards feeling any silence, even before it’s occurred, making sure they never will be a silence because the idea of that silence is just so painfully anxiety-inducing for you. So, you say, “I’m just going to keep asking questions.” And then at the end of the conversation, you go, “They didn’t ask me anything.”
Sometimes giving them a chance to or putting them under pressure to can be a good thing. That doesn’t seem to have worked here though. Watch this.
FEMALE VOICE
—any single question on the first date. But I did agree to go on a second date. And my best friend, Sophia, told me that any time that there’s silence, I need to learn to shut the F up and take a sip of my water and let him fill the silence and ask me questions. And then we sat in silence for five minutes. And both times, as he followed up with that he’s had a really great time. And I’m wondering—
MATTHEW HUSSEY
Let’s keep watching.
FEMALE VOICE
I’m wondering if we were on the same date. Well, like, of course he had a great time. He was just talking about himself the whole time.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
I mean, it’s really good. It’s a great delivery. I love the idea that she left there be a silence and he just read, “Okay.” And just sat there and just kept sawing his steak.
AUDREY HUSSEY
That’s something you’d do.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
Audrey said that’s something I would do. I do like not talking. Audrey, sometimes, does criticize me on dates for not talking at all. But in fairness, I think the charge I can avoid is the one where I’m just talking about myself. Audrey’s complaint is just that I’m not talking at all. Is that fair? Yeah, she’s nodding. Yes.
We do all have different communication styles. And I suppose to extract some value out of this situation, which so many people find themselves in, is worth figuring out how do we tell the difference between someone who is displaying very self-involved, self-indulgent, on the extreme and of the spectrum narcissistic tendencies to only talk about themselves? And how do we know if someone just has a different communication style than us, if they themselves are nervous and them ranting on is a form of nerves, and they’re never really getting around to a question because that’s their form of awkwardness?
Your form of awkwardness is asking lots and lots of questions. And their form of awkwardness is never asking any.
What I think we can stand to get better at is communicating, even hinting, at some of our standards in a playful way, in a non-combative way, in a way that doesn’t necessarily make things feel weird in the moment.
You should say, “Okay, I’ve asked you so many questions. I know so much about you by now. What do you want to know about me?”
And that’s a great way to actually, well, point out that they haven’t been asking you any questions albeit in a playful way. It’s non-combative. It’s also a great way of just forcing their hand and saying, “Ask me some questions about me. Are you even interested in knowing anything about me?” Which is a great thing to know at that stage.
Do they go, “Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. Let me ask you. How about, how many brothers and sisters do you have?” Or, “Did you grow up here?” Or whatever they say. Do they actually seem like that woke them up out of a little spell, and now, they’re interested in asking you questions? Or does it now seem laborious to them and that they’re not interested now that they’re not talking about themselves which is a more troubling sign?
By the way, if you liked that script, that way of bringing it up, that was given to me by Matthew AI. And if you don’t know what Matthew AI is, it’s our brand-new invention where you can call, ask your question, and you will hear my voice giving you an answer to any love life question you have right now. ASKMH.com is where you can go and use this brand-new, revolutionary tool that we have available.
I do think in, not all of these cases, but in some of these cases, we need to take some responsibility for saying, “I am sometimes just going to take the mic.” If this person is willing to take the mic and talk about themselves, well, in some ways, what is a conversation? Yes, a conversation is an exchange of questions but it’s also just an exchange. If I ask you a question and you talk, at the end of you talking, I can then say, “Wow, that’s so interesting. Yeah, that makes me think about me in this way. That makes me think about that trip I took to Patagonia three years ago. And when I was there, I was really—”
You can then take the microphone and freestyle for a little bit.
Now, if they’re not interested in anything you just said, again, that’s a problem. But if they’re like, “Wow. Okay. Wow. That’s really interesting. So, how long were you there for?”
What you might find is, what it needed was for you to be willing to take the mic. Don’t always wait for someone to give you the floor. Instead, say, “Sometimes, I’m actually just going to verbalize what I’m thinking, what that makes me think about, how that relates to me.” I don’t want to excuse in any of this the kinds of people, especially the gentleman out there who this complaint is often levied against, I don’t want to excuse them of that really self-involved tendency to only care about what they’re saying and to only enjoy a date when they are talking about themselves and how impressive they are.
But I also think that there may be cases where the communication style is just different. I mean, if I look at the guys in my family even, a lot of the time, they’ll get together and their conversation will go something like, “Oh, so you play Mario Kart?” And the other person will be like, “Yeah, I play Mario Kart.” And then they’ll talk all about Mario Kart for the next 20 minutes. And they’ll come away from that and go, “I just met a really cool guy. I really enjoyed meeting him.”
Someone in our family will go, “Oh, where is he from?” “I don’t know.” “Has he got family?” “I don’t know.” “How long is he here for?” “I have no idea.” “What is his favorite character in Mario Kart?”
Let me tell you. Let me tell you the build on his favorite kart.
There’s a kind of exchange that goes on on that level, that doesn’t always take the form of factual information about the person. I’ll sometimes hang out with a friend for half the day, and I’ll get home, and Audrey will say, “How’s their marriage? How’s their thing? They’ve got this coming up. And how’s it—”
And I’ll go, “I don’t know.”
And she’ll go, “Well, what did you talk about for the last five hours?”
“I don’t know, babe. It was really good.” I was like, “We were just talking about ice baths and what they’re up to.”
It doesn’t happen the same way I know her conversations happen, which doesn’t make them worse. It does sometimes mean that the person in front of you needs to be educated on the communication that you want to have. Speaking outside of the context of the first couple of dates, if you are frustrated with how much the person you’re dating is taking an interest in parts of your life, things that are important to you, they’re not asking you questions about yourself, and you feel like you’re always the one who’s showing curiosity about them and never the other way around, that’s not something you should just ignore and say, “Well, we’re different communication-wise in that department.”
You have to also pay attention to what your needs are and say, “This is imbalanced. It’s not fair that I always take an interest in this person and that they don’t take an interest in me on this level.”
And that might mean sitting someone down or saying to them, “Hey, can we talk about something? Is now a good time? It’s not a huge thing. I just wanted to—it’s been on my mind, so I wanted to bring it up.” And saying to someone, “Is now a good time?” is great because what it says is, I’m not going to ambush you with this thing where you’re suddenly going to be like, “Well, why are you criticizing me out of nowhere?”
I’m actually creating a space right now, a compartment of time for us to actually talk about this. And you’ve given me permission to talk about it.
And if they say, “Okay, yeah. What’s up?”
You say, “Look, it’s not a huge deal but it is something that has been on my mind. And I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose but I did want to talk to you about it so it’s not just in my head. I feel like I ask you lots of questions about you and take a big interest in your life and in knowing you better because I want to get to know you better. I love getting to know you better. But I don’t feel like you do the same with me. You never really ask me questions about myself or my life. And I feel like at this point, I know a lot more about you than you know about me. And that makes me feel like you’re just not interested in me. And that may not be true but that’s how it comes across to me. So I wanted to just let you know and talk to you about it.”
Having that conversation, it brings it all out into the open. And it’s not making someone a bad person and it’s not making a huge deal out of it. It’s allowing them the benefit of the doubt, that they don’t mean badly, and it may not even be something they realize. But it’s affecting you. That’s the important part. Like, “It’s been on my mind.” This is your chance to educate someone on what you need. And in a sense, this whole video I’m making here isn’t really about who’s right or wrong although clearly, in conversations where one person dominates and only talks about themselves, there is a more selfish behavior on one side of that conversation.
But if we take it out of the realm of that which conjures up an image of a not so pleasant person, and we just look at, there is a big communication difference here and really, the only important thing is figuring out whether someone can actually start to adapt their communication in certain, important ways that can make me happy, that this person can hear something that is a challenge for me, and can respond with growth to that, can respond with adapting to that. If for no other reason, then deep down, they do actually really value what this relationship that we have and that they would absolutely not let that relationship go bad for the sake of forgetting to ask questions sometimes.
That’s what we need to figure out about the person we’re with.
And if it is still early dating and it feels too early to have a very intense conversation about this, and they ask you out on date 3 after this woman’s experience of feeling like dates 1 and 2 were just very one-sided—
FEMALE
Well, of course, he had a great time. He was just talking about himself the whole time.
MATTHEW HUSSEY
You can always just pick up the phone to them and say, “Hey, what’s going on? I hope you’re well. Hey, listen. I do want to see you again. And I have a great time with you. I think you’re super attractive and you’re funny and compliment, compliment. But I got to be honest. I feel like when we’re together, I ask you loads of questions about yourself and I’m super intrigued and wanting to know about you. And I always feel like I leave the date and you don’t know anything more about me because you don’t really ask me about me.”
That takes bravery. But when you’re at the point that this woman is, what do you have to lose? You don’t want to keep indefinitely dating someone where you feel unfulfilled by the level of curiosity and interest they take in you. But if you do think this person is attractive enough that you’re considering going on another date with them, then pick up the phone and have that conversation. And if you can still say it with a smile, if you can still say it with a little bit of a laugh and not taking yourself too seriously, you’re not lecturing them. It’s not your job to teach them anything. It’s just your job to find out if they know what they’re doing, and if they can respond to a little bit of feedback, that will tell you everything you need to know.
And by the way, there’s every chance that that person says, “Oh, my God. I’m such an idiot. I didn’t even know I was coming across like that. Yes, I’d love to see you again and yes, be prepared because I’m going to have a hundred different questions for you.”
Or they’ll go, “Well, I wasn’t doing that. And I thought we were having an—sorry. I thought we were having—”
You’re going to go down that road and then you’re going to go, “Okay. It was nice to know you.”
If someone really makes you feel weird about having had that conversation, especially if you had it in a nice way, then you have even more of an answer about date 3 and whether you should go on it.
So, I hope this encourages a bunch of you to, well, a) realize that you’re not alone. If you keep going on dates and finding people are just talking about themselves, b) empower you to, on the date, not wait for someone to give you the microphone but to take the microphone and to speak and to take up space to make you realize that you can have standards as early as a first date but when you communicate standards earlier, it has to be more playful and it can be with more of a wink. And that there is a way even if you are someone who finds yourself in a relationship with someone to have this conversation in a way that doesn’t make someone a bad person but instead, brings attention to something that has been bothering you to see whether it can get better.
I hope you enjoyed this video. Leave me a comment. Let me know what you though. Don’t forget to ask Matthew AI a question if you haven’t already, ASKMH.com is the link for you to be able to do that. If you finish this video, and you go, “God, I have a question I’d really love you to make a video on,” go ask Matthew AI right now. I guarantee, he, it, clone me, will have an answer for you.
So, go check it out, ASKMH.com. Be well, friends, and love life.
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