Here’s a common problem I hear,
You feel ready for a relationship. You’ve worked hard to improve yourself and you have high standards for the person you want to be with long-term . . . but no one you date meets your standards.
I know it can be so frustrating—but this feeling can lead to some dangerous mindsets that get in our way of finding love . . . often without us even realizing it.
So in today’s video, I’ll show you 3 powerful mindset shifts that will help you attract the right person faster so you can avoid self-sabotage and burnout as you search for the love you’re looking for.
Excited for you to see this one. Leave me a comment and tell me what you thought!
“Do you feel like no matter how many things go right in your life, there will always be something missing if you cannot find love?”
This is the plight of so many people I know who are watching this channel, who feel like, “My life is not going to pan out the way that I hoped it would.” And this video was inspired by a question I got from a woman we will call Stacey for the purposes of this video to protect her identity.
But here’s what she said: “After spending 10 years working on myself and what I want, my standards have gone up. How do I have faith that I’ll meet the right person when I’m not finding them to meet my standards on dating apps or in real life? It feels frustrating. I have an amazing life and career, but in the back of my mind, I feel that part missing. I’m still worried about staying single or settling, and I don’t want either.”
What Stacey is going through is so unbelievably relatable. So, if you are experiencing that, know that you are not alone.
It’s hard out there to find someone. I’ve seen a lot of rhetoric these days about, you know, “People should get married, marriages make more stable homes, they make better environments for raising children.” And anytime I see things like this, I think people are totally missing the point.
People want long-term relationships. They’re trying to find these things, but they’re struggling because finding an appropriate partner, finding a suitable long-term teammate, is extremely difficult for so many of us.
There are so many people who are not emotionally available. There are so many people who are emotionally stunted, who can’t access their emotions, who can’t communicate well, who haven’t got their life set up in a way where they can have a stable relationship. The idea that, you know, “People just really need to start valuing long-term relationships and marriage again” is a complete misnomer, especially for the people that I’ve been working with for the last 15 years who really would like to find a relationship and don’t need to be told that it’s important, but are struggling to actually find someone to do it with.
One of the things I picked up on that Stacey said is something I hear a lot, which is that “my standards have gone up.” And a lot of people say this to me—my standards have gone up, and now it’s gotten much more difficult to meet someone.
There are definitely areas where our standards go up in the right ways, and we start to eliminate some of the wrong people. And that can make it feel like there’s less choice, but really, we’ve just eliminated the poor choices that we shouldn’t have been entertaining in the first place. But sometimes, we raise our standards in ways that actually hurt us.
Let’s talk, amidst all of these things that you can’t control, about three things that you can control.
The first mistake I see a lot of people making in love is valuing the wrong things in people. So we have really high standards about things that don’t actually matter. I talk to many people who value the fact that someone seems to be doing very well for themselves or they seem to have achieved a lot in their life or they seem to have a lot of charisma, they seem to really own the room, or they’re respected by lots of other people, or they’re very in-demand among lots of other people.
The number of times I’ve spoken to someone who has told me, “ . . . but they have so many potential suitors; they have so many people chasing after them,” as if that’s a reason to go for that person, as if that alone is going to make someone a good candidate for a relationship.
Hey, if you’ve watched this far in the video, it’s because you want to find love faster. Well, I have a way you can do that beyond this video that is much more immersive, and it is called Dating With Results. It is a one-hour free training that gives you a specific roadmap that you can use to go out there and find the love you have been looking for. If you are sick and tired of the nonsense that you constantly face while you’re out there trying to date, then I urge you to come and do this training with me, because it is going to give you hope back and it’s also going to set you on the right path. Go to datingwithresults.com. You can sign up completely free, and you can be watching this free training right now that is going to help you find love faster.
Someone’s popularity in the dating market doesn’t make them a good candidate for a relationship, certainly not automatically. Their success—what they’ve achieved, what neighborhood they live in, the fact that they have great style, the fact that they’re tall—none of these things make for a great relationship. So the idea that these are the things we’re going to value the most on the way in is suspect to begin with.
The number of people who can talk to me for hours about a situation—they can literally plot from the moment they met someone—whether it’s in real life or on a dating app—to seven months later when it fell apart, and when they tell me the story of everything that happened in-between, nowhere in there can I figure out why they like this person so much.
I sit there waiting for a moment where they’re going to tell me about the wonderful qualities that they have: about the way they show up, about the kindness, the loyalty, the integrity, the consistency, about their loving nature. All of these things seem completely absent in someone’s appraisal of this person.
And when I ask them, “Well, what is it you really like about this person?” they’ll say, “Oh, it’s just this feeling that they give me. There’s just this kind of . . . I don’t know what it is. I’m just so attracted to them.” That is something we should call into question for ourselves, because what it means is that we are having standards around the completely wrong things.
None of those things are going to make someone a great teammate in a relationship. A relationship is not some short-term adventure. A relationship, if nothing else, is a life spent with someone who should make a great teammate.
Catch yourself the next time you find yourself having met someone on a dating app or having just been on a first date with someone where they slipped in ways that they’re successful, where there’s a certain way that they’re put together that you find them very attractive for, where there’s a certain kind of importance that this person seems to have or a desirability this person seems to have . . . Catch yourself, if any of those things begin to make you either obsess about this person or go out of your way to try to please them, remind yourself: None of these things make this person a great candidate for a relationship.
Number two: While we have high standards about the wrong things, we tend to have really low standards, or in some cases, no standards at all about the right things. Now, what are the right things? Well, firstly, they’re good qualities to have in a relationship—like kindness, like someone who shows up for you, like someone who’s a good communicator, like someone who’s consistent. But it’s more than that. It’s: Do I feel at home with this person? Do I feel I can really be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted? Does this person really get me? Do they understand me?
These things are not common, and I have watched over the years as people describe to me the immense attraction they have for someone who clearly doesn’t get them at all. That person may complain about them: “Why do you need so much? You’re too sensitive.” They may not understand that person’s desire for more time or more intimacy.
This isn’t someone who gets them. This isn’t someone who understands their unique sense of humor. It’s not someone who really understands where they come from or who they are as a person. And you know how I know that? Because so many of the people I speak to who find themselves in this position of being attracted to someone who isn’t trying . . . don’t actually show who they are to that person.
They’re too afraid to really open up to this person. They’re too afraid to really share how they feel with this person. They’re too afraid to be vulnerable with this person. They’re more afraid with impressing this person. And when you’re constantly worried about impressing someone, you’re definitely not showing them who you really are. And if you’re not showing them who you really are, you definitely don’t know if they actually accept you. They’re not making you feel at home. You aren’t someone they understand or get.
So, ask yourself this: “Do I feel really attracted to someone or do I feel really compatible with them?” Because if all I feel is this immense attraction that seems to be intoxicating and takes me over no matter how little they’re giving me, then I’m once again valuing the wrong things. If I say, “Who am I truly compatible with and where is my evidence for that?” then we start to gravitate toward people who will actually make us feel great. And, of course, one of the great elements of compatibility is someone who wants the same things you do.
Hey, everyone! Before you keep going with the video, I wanted to tell you that I have a brand-new book called Love Life: How to Find Your Person, Raise Your Standards, and Live Happily (No Matter What). It is a major evolution of my work. It is a big step forward from some of my older work from five or ten years ago because I have evolved, my thoughts have evolved, my philosophies have evolved, and my advice has evolved. And I have put my newest, latest ideas, strategies, and techniques for how to not only find love but to find happiness and confidence within yourself into this new book. And I would love for you to pre-order a copy. You can find it at lovelifebook.com. And if you buy it now instead of when it comes out, you will be on the list for some really exciting bonuses that I’m giving only to people who pre-order at this early stage.
You’ll also be part of a specific launch group that I’m doing, where we’re gonna share exciting news about the book, special things that other people don’t get, and just a community of people who are gonna be a part of this together, that you only get access to by pre-ordering the book. So, go grab a copy. I think a book is one of the best investments you can make. It’s also one of the easiest. And I’m really proud of this piece of work. So I’d love you to support me in it, and I know that by getting this book, you’re also going to be supporting yourself. Go check it out, lovelifebook.com, and now, back to the video.
Number three: We will find love faster if we stop basing our decisions on what other people think of who we’re dating.
We can feel chemistry with a wider array of people than I believe we’ve ever given ourselves credit for. And I don’t want you to take any of the points I’ve made so far in this video as me saying that chemistry doesn’t matter and you should just go for all of these qualities that make someone a very safe and secure partner but gives you no excitement in a relationship. I don’t believe in that. I believe chemistry is something you cannot dispense with if you want a long-term relationship because it’s part of what makes a relationship a romantic relationship and not a friendship.
So we need chemistry. But I think we overjudge the chemistry that we have with people. And one of the reasons we do that is because we’re worried about the image we will have with our friends, with our family, with people we know, if we bring a certain person home, if we’re seen with a kind of person who isn’t the kind of person other people see for us, or frankly, that other people see for themselves.
You can have someone who says to you, “Oh, that person’s not right for you because of this, this, and this.” But they may just be judging based on their point of view and projecting their own insecurities, their own trauma, their own overjudgmentalness—I don’t think that’s a word—onto the situation. That’s nothing to do with you.
What matters to you is: “Does this person get me? Do they make me happy? Do I feel a unique chemistry with them?” Chemistry is a very personal thing, and you can feel chemistry with people you never expected to feel chemistry with.
And by the way, to that point, it’s not just that we may feel chemistry with someone but then disqualify them on the basis that we don’t feel like they fit the image we want to have with people in our lives. It’s also that we often don’t even find out if we have chemistry with people because we disqualify them based on superficial factors before we ever get to the point where we’d realize we have chemistry with them.
Chemistry doesn’t take place on a dating app. It doesn’t take place through 2D images on a screen. Sometimes, it doesn’t even take place in the first 5 or 10 minutes or 30 minutes of an interaction with someone. It can take a moment. It can take getting to know someone a little bit. Everyone knows that if they have ever had a friend that they didn’t feel chemistry with, and all of a sudden, one day, you saw that friend in a different environment, in a different way. Maybe you saw them in their element doing something, maybe they gave you a different sense of kind of fun or sass or something you didn’t see in them before, and all of a sudden, it’s like a light bulb went off and you went, “Oh my God! I could feel this way about this person.” So, chemistry can be quite fickle.
I’m not suggesting that you continue dating for date after date after date with people you don’t have chemistry with, but I am suggesting that we don’t overjudge who we could feel chemistry with. And we certainly don’t do it based on what other people in our lives may think of someone.
Your job is to find someone you feel your own unique attraction to and then nurture that relationship and turn it into something beautiful.
And it’s a funny thing—whenever you see that really happen in life, where two people get together, they build something beautiful, they have an amazing attraction and chemistry, and they have fun together, and they understand each other, and they have a loving relationship, eventually, other people around them start to say something different. They start to say, “You have an amazing relationship.” They start to see your relationship as something they envy—that they one day want for themselves. You become held up as a model for the kind of relationship that other people want to find.
But how did you arrive at that place? You trusted yourself. You trusted what was right for you, instead of listening to the judgments of other people—that, if you listen to all of those judgments, you would have never gotten to that stage with that person in the first place.