Dismissive avoidants are so mean because they need to push you away in order to survive, literally and metaphorically.
This pattern is something they have been going to reliably since infancy, and they’re likely not about to stop it soon.
Pushing you away is their survival mechanism.
This act of pushing you away is what feels cruel to you. Pushing someone away manifests in different kinds of behaviors, many of which seem cruel to you.
Just for a minute, think about how brutal it is for an infant to cry for hours and not have anybody come to them.
Consider that this avoidant person (once a baby), likely cried in their “cot” until they went blue in the face and threw up, and still their caretaker likely rolled their eyes, closed the bedroom door behind them and walked away.
Feel the cruelty of this moment, and you’ll have your answer to why dismissive avoidants are so cruel.
I don’t want to say that we do to others what has been done to us (since we’re talking about babies here), but I also do. Because that’s how it is for an avoidant.
If someone is truly a dismissive avoidant in their attachment style, they are repeating the cycle that someone else began for them through neglect shortly after they were born.
MORE: 11 Genius Ways to Communicate to An Avoidant Partner.
“Avoidant” Is Not the Same As An Avoidant Attachment Style
Just because a guy (or someone) avoids you, doesn’t mean they have an avoidant attachment style.
Avoidant behavior and avoidant attachment style are not the same thing.
If you convince yourself that they are, then what you are doing is merging two separate frameworks in the world of psychology and relationships, causing yourself unbelievable confusion.
I’ve explained this before in articles like Emotionally Unavailable Men: 9 Signs & How to Deal With Them.
Some of the most securely attached people will avoid a specific person at any costs, either because they genuinely hate them or because the person takes more value than they give.
And the most emotionally available guy (or girl) could be emotionally unavailable for you, either because you’ve hurt him and lost his trust (perhaps now he’s your ex), or simply because he only wanted one thing from you – sex.
So let’s answer some other common questions about these enigmatic avoidants in love.
Do the quiz: how commitment friendly is my man?
Why Are Dismissive Avoidants so Selfish?
Dismissive avoidants are so selfish because they were neglected as infants.
This neglect meant they had to postpone the development of bonding, warmth and secure attachment indefinitely in order to preserve their own life.
Thus they do not know nor care what you are feeling. They don’t even know what they are feeling.
So how could you expect them to know the impact of their actions upon you?
They’re just busy trying to survive. Just walking through life almost like an empty vessel, going from one thing to another.
It’s an emptiness that if you are secure, you will never, ever know.
(Unless you spend long enough in a relationship with an avoidant.) And even then, you will never truly know.
Securely attached people are truly blessed.
Why Are Dismissive Avoidants So Secretive?
Let’s define secretive.
Secretive means: “People who are secretive hide their feelings, thoughts, intentions, and actions from other people.”
Being secretive in relationships is a recipe for disaster. Nobody is going to trust you when you’re secretive – so why are avoidants so secretive?
Because revealing any kind of information necessitates a reveal of their emotions.
And these emotions demand regulation.
How well do you think an avoidant can regulate their emotions?
That’s right. They can’t. Or they try, and pushing you away is their way of trying.
If you are super interested in this topic of secretive and distant behavior and you want some in depth discussion, see my article: 12 Secret Reasons Why Some People Will Always Be Distant From You.
This leads me to the next topic of conversation: why are avoidants so cold?
Why Are Dismissive Avoidants So Cold?
It’s because of the lack of care and warmth they were shown as infants, and then again later as children.
When you’re raised in an environment that expects you to survive being around dismissive adults, then you have to adapt to that environment.
Can you imagine a baby, toddler or even a young child having the awareness to respond to such neglect with love and acceptance?
If you answered no, then you’re correct.
If you answered yes, then you’re misguided.
A child who was neglected as a baby can never be expected to have the level of consciousness to develop warmth and love in response to neglectful adults.
Instead, they respond with the only reciprocal response they’re capable of: shutting down.
And this pattern of shutting down stays with them.
Do Avoidants “Deactivate”?
Avoidants sometimes act in a way that makes you assume they don’t value relationships or closeness at all.
Some people have given this phenomenon a name: deactivation. Or avoidant deactivation.
I am not a fan of this term. I believe it comes from not truly understanding the deeply embedded neurological pattern that is avoidant attachment style.
But let’s have a look at this term regardless.
What Is Deactivation In Avoidants?
Deactivation is considered to be the process through which an avoidant pulls away from a relationship, justifying their absence with the belief that being alone is better than being in a relationship.
However, anyone – avoidant, anxious, disorganized or secure – can decide that being alone is better than being in a (specific) relationship.
A secure person can decide that, especially when they end up in a relationship with someone who has anxious or avoidant attachment.
Because it’s very lonely and traumatic being in relationships with people who have insecure attachment style.
So let’s not do what 99% of people and coaches do – mix, mash, blend and completely confuse the framework of attachment styles with other stuff.
Avoidants shut down because they cannot physically regulate the emotions that come with intimacy. It’s that simple.
Why Are Avoidants Attracted To Anxious?
Avoidants are attracted to anxious lovers because anxiously attached people are in a constant state of stress in their relationships, and this stress keeps the poor anxious person tied to the relationship (with the avoidant).
This in turn, gives the avoidant a secure source of love because anyone who is secure is more likely to just leave the avoidant.
Related: How to Self Soothe Anxious Attachment in 2 Easy Steps.
Why Are Dismissive Avoidants Afraid of Commitment?
Commitment phobia doesn’t always come from your attachment style, but rather, from being human as well as not being with the right person.
A man could also go through a bad divorce or two and become fearful of commitment, but still be securely attached as an individual.
He’s just protecting his resources by avoiding commitment.
And by the time you meet him, perhaps he’s got too many responsibilities or dependents to be able to think about moving through his fear of committing.
MORE: How to Get Him to Commit The High Value Way & 1 Mistake to AVOID.
If you’re a woman who is with a man who won’t commit, instead of just seeing him as an avoidant, consider also, that he might not see you as his “one and only”.
…But he will still keep you around, especially if you don’t cause him much trouble.
MORE: Why Men Won’t Commit To You: The No BS Reason Why.
If you want a guy to emotionally commit to you forever, know that even avoidants are able to commit if you earn their trust and make them feel safe.
But more than that, you need to make the avoidant fall in love and see you as his “one and only”, rather than his “one of many”.
As you may know already, avoidants in general are more likely to seek out the novelty of a new partners, as they’ve never been able to trust the stability of attachment, love and warmth.
They’ve never been given stable love, so they settle for novelty instead. It feels safer.
However, if you can earn their trust, they will be glued to you – especially a man. Once a man places you in his “one of many” basket, it’s much harder to be removed from that basket.
There’s only one other basket men will put you in (even securely attached men), and that’s the “one of many” basket.
If your avoidant man places you in this basket, it’s even harder to get him to commit.
So always make sure you show up as the “one and only” from the start.
There are 5 feminine secrets to showing up as the one and only woman and making him BEG for your commitment.
You can find out more about how to be your chosen man’s one and only in my course “Becoming His One and Only”. CLICK Here to discover more.
(The promise of this course is for you to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)
Recommended reading: Anxious Avoidant Relationship: 7 Steps To Fix It + Should You?
Why Are Avoidants Hot And Cold?
Avoidants are hot and cold because when you’re not asking for too much intimacy from them, they find it easy to be with you – so they may seem warmer during those times.
However, once they sense you asking for more of their vulnerability and presence, their old patterns will kick in again, begging them to shut down and run away (emotionally. But they sometimes run away physically too.)
After they run away and escape for a while, they might come to the realization that they either need company (or sex), and then they’ll be open to you again.
The risk of opening themselves up to you in that moment will feel more worth it, because their desire for the value that they’re looking for is so great (perhaps it’s even become hard to ignore).
Recommended: Relationship Timeline: Men Vs Women.
An avoidant with sexual needs that haven’t been met for too long will come forward with more urgency, and you may feel this as “hot”.
Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?
What To Do If You’re Dating A Dismissive Avoidant?
If you’re dealing with the coldness of an avoidant, just know that you have a lot of work ahead of you.
They will hurt you, usually unintentionally.
You’ll have to be resilient in order to move through the hurt and be persistent with them.
Of course most people would recommend you leave the avoidant. Why put up with that type of treatment?
But I know that you cannot always help who comes into your life and makes you fall in love with them.
So all I can do is warn you of the work that’s ahead of you (it’s a lot) and you can make the best decision for yourself in your own time.
Finally, as someone who began her life as an anxiously attached individual with occasional avoidant tendencies (but now secure), I want to apologize on behalf of all avoidants out there.
Most avoidants don’t set out to hurt you and be mean, we just don’t feel safe in intimacy, so it genuinely feels safer to pull away.
Over To You!
Please share with me your pains of being with an avoidant.
If you’ve had the experience of being in love with someone with avoidant attachment style, let me know and tell me your story. It’s likely to help someone reading your comment.
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