Do you feel nervous when it comes to talking about your sexual history? Maybe you’re nervous that someone will think your “body count” is too high or too low . . . or you’re annoyed that they’re asking you to reveal it in the first place.
In today’s video, I’ll show you how to have these conversations without fear or judgment. If you’ve ever wrestled with insecurity over this issue, or someone’s made you feel “less than” when it comes to your past, don’t miss this one!
I’m about to show you a clip I think you’re gonna love. But before you jump in, there’s a very good chance you’ll get to the end of this clip and think, “I wish that were longer. I wish there was more I could consume right now that could help me in my love life.”
Well, I have something for you. It’s a one-hour free training I did called “Dating With Results,” and if you haven’t watched it yet, this can be your little binge session for today. But it’s much better than just randomly binging YouTube. It’s a structured presentation on how you can make massive progress in your life and finally meet your person and get the love you want. Go over to datingwithresults.com to watch it right now for free and enjoy this clip in the meantime.
QUESTION
“Hi, Matthew. I’ve been having anxiety for the last few years. The trigger to this anxiety is a new message that is constantly being shared. And that message is that men find women who are not virgins gross. I cannot go a few days without it somehow popping up in my feed that men do not want to commit to women with a high body count or any past sexual experience at all sometimes. I do not have a high body count, but I still get triggered every time this pops up. I now truly believe that this is very important to men and that if they were to find out about a woman’s sexual past, they would now start to subconsciously value her less and not see her as a wife/future mom of their babies, and if they have the option, leave her. Can you please talk about this in detail? P.S. I know that a popular comeback is that men who care about this are insecure, but I think it’s deeper than that.”
George Clooney . . . how old was George Clooney when he met his wife? I don’t know anything about this relationship, by the way, so don’t think this is going to turn into some sort of interesting commentary on a celebrity relationship. But I know he was an older man. In his 50s, I think. I don’t know. I don’t even know how old George Clooney is. I know he didn’t meet her in his 30s or 20s. And I also know that she is not in her 20s, right?
So I imagine that George Clooney didn’t start that relationship by asking, “How many men have you slept with?” Because had he started the conversation that way, it would have been an obvious answer: “I’m an adult woman who’s been around for a while. You didn’t meet a 21-year-old or an 18-year-old. You met someone who’s actually been around for a minute and has had other relationships.”
There’s a time in their lives when men have to give up on that game unless you want to date 21-year-olds for the rest of your life. At a certain point, you have to say, “The person I’m with has existed for some time before they met me, and unless they have been living under a rock and not wanting to meet anyone—not having any sexual experiences—they’re going to have had some sexual experiences.”
So in general . . . do you know what’s interesting? I want you to notice something: The insecurity you have about this comes from the complete other direction too. There will be women in my Love Life Club who say to me that they are a virgin at 35 and they’re terrified of what a guy is going to think of them because of it.
Whatever it is, you can find a story and a group of people who can help you create the story around why you should feel insecure about it. That woman who says, “I’m still a virgin, and I’m worried every guy is going to think I’m a freak . . .” But based on your narrative, she has the dream scenario. She’s never slept with anyone, so she should be the most desirable person in the game right now because she hasn’t done that.
But the world isn’t one dating market. This is the thing we have to get outside of—out of our heads. The world isn’t one dating market. It’s thousands of niche boutique trading areas between people who value different things. Imagine the Grand Bazaar in Turkey and there’s a labyrinth of different areas—trading different things—based on what people want.
What you put a premium on is different from what this person over here puts a premium on, and vice versa, which means that different people are valuable to different people.
There is no one dating market, but you’re treating it like there’s only one, because you’ve spent too much time on the internet in one particular area of the algorithm. And now the algorithm is serving you every title it can find on why women become unattractive the moment they’ve slept with more than one person, and that’s coloring your narrative.
So the first thing you can do, by the way, is to stop searching for those things and start searching for positive material so the algorithm starts feeding you positive material. Or search in an incognito window so the algorithm is no longer serving up the stuff that is your biggest fear, which it will gladly oblige and do for as long as you let it. Stop spending time around people who feed that narrative.
And in case you feel I’m copping out on your question, there are obviously going to be some men who care about that. They’re not men I hang around. None of the men I hang around get into a relationship and immediately ask, “How many people have you been with in the past?”
It’s not a question that they’re asking, because what they’re trying to find is someone who’s the kind of person they want to be in a relationship with. And a lot of guys are smart enough to not even ask the question, because they don’t want to know the answer. By the way, it’s probably in a lot of cases better that we don’t spend time doing this excavation on each other’s sexual past. What’s the purpose of it?
If that’s your thing, or you particularly don’t mind, then you can do that. But for everyone else, there’s no need to do that, because it’s just not relevant to where you’re going. Everyone has a past. Everyone has had experiences that they enjoyed, experiences that they didn’t enjoy, and things they probably wouldn’t do again if they had the chance . . .
Everyone has these experiences, and any guy—whether it comes from insecurity or biology or anywhere else—any guy who makes a big deal out of that is an utter hypocrite. So the idea that you would run your life around that group of people, which is not everyone . . . wherever it comes from, even if it comes from some anthropological caveman instinct of “I don’t want anyone to have been with the person that I’m with,” and that comes from an evolutionary perspective . . . plenty of things come from an evolutionary perspective, but we don’t go around doing them. We live in a civilized society.
So even if your mind is going to, “But this is just men based on an evolutionary perspective,” there are plenty of things we can say from an evolutionary perspective that we no longer follow. So that narrative should not be running your life.
Find men who have evolved. Find men who have grown up a little. I don’t know how old you are, but it might be that you’re just not in the age bracket right now where a lot of those men have done that “growing up.”
At a certain point, any person who doesn’t want to constantly torture themselves about their partner’s sexual past has to get over this. At a certain age, pretty much everyone they date has a sexual past, unless they are constantly dating 21-year-olds, and that is a certain type of person anyway, who’s in that pattern constantly. There’s something they’re chasing that makes them the kind of guy you don’t want to have in your life.
Tim says in our chat comments: “As a man, I find it silly to judge a woman for her body count. We’re all trying to find our person and sex is often part of that process.”
Well said, Tim. Why would you judge someone negatively for their journey? That’s such a great point. And by the way, that person may well know themselves better for having been on that sexual journey.
I sometimes think that in some cases, the wish for a virgin is kind of a wish for someone who knows themselves a little less. And even if you are a virgin watching this, you’re going to know yourself better as you have sexual experiences, and that’s going to make it more clear what you want.
So again, any guy who’s looking for someone who knows themselves is going to be looking for someone who ultimately isn’t coming from that place of judging themselves for either having “done it too much,” or “not having done it enough.”
I hope you enjoyed this video. Before you go, if you are in a place right now in your love life where you see everyone else pairing off, getting married, having kids, and you feel afraid it’s never gonna happen for you—maybe you’re even starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with you—I have a free training called “Dating with Results.”
It’s going to put you at ease and give you peace in this area of your life. One, it’s going to make you feel completely normal for what you’re going through. Two, it’s actually going to give you a way of making immediate progress in your love life. And three, I truly believe this is going to be the catalyst in you meeting your person once and for all. Go over to datingwithresults.com and watch it right now, and let me know what you think!
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